FILE NO. ESD-0001 · OPENED: UNKNOWN · LAST VERIFIED: NEVER
JOHN
EMAS
IT Support Specialist · Endpoint Support · Status: UNCONFIRMED
The tickets get resolved. The machines get fixed. John is never there when you look up.
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Photo unavailable
UNVERIFIED
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Personnel Profile
Full Name
John EMAS
Department
Endpoint Support, OTS
Title
IT Support Specialist (Alleged)
Office Location
[ DISPUTED ]
Phone Extension
Goes directly to voicemail. Every time.
Email Response Time
Instantaneous. Before you send it.
Last Confirmed Sighting
[ NO DATA ]
Years of Service
Longer than anyone can remember.
Operational Metrics
∞
Tickets Closed
0
Confirmed Sightings
100%
Resolution Rate
Evidence of Existence
-
01
Tickets assigned to John are closed — often before the affected user realizes there was a problem.
-
02
A workstation in the office has a nameplate reading "J. EMAS." The chair is always slightly warm.
-
03
A coffee mug has been observed on his desk. Its contents are perpetually fresh. No one has seen it refilled.
-
04
His badge swipes appear in the access log at 3:14 AM on the second Tuesday of every month. No other entries.
-
05
SCCM, Intune, and Jamf Pro all list an admin account under his name. The account has never been used during business hours.
-
06
He has responded to exactly one Slack message. It read: "On it." The issue had already been resolved.
Field Sighting Log
MON 08:47
Hallway B, 2nd floor. Footsteps heard. Door already closing.
UNCONFIRMED
WED 12:02
Break room. Someone used the microwave. No one present when staff arrived.
UNCONFIRMED
THU 15:30
Server closet. Light was on. Light was off by the time anyone checked.
UNCONFIRMED
FRI 09:11
A printer that was broken on Thursday now works. No ticket was submitted.
RESOLVED
— —:— —
All other entries
REDACTED
Colleague Testimony
"I've worked here three years. I've seen his name on every major incident ticket. I've never once seen his face. I've started to wonder if I made him up. Then my laptop gets fixed and I think — no. He's real. He has to be."
— Level 1 Tech, Endpoint Support (identity withheld)
"I emailed him once to say thanks. He replied with a thumbs up emoji at 2 AM. I didn't know you could send just an emoji in Outlook. I still don't know how he did that."
— Staff Member, OTS (identity withheld)
"He's listed as the escalation point for the whole team. Level 2, Level 3, whatever — it all goes to John. We asked our supervisor once what happens after John. She got very quiet."
— Senior Student Technician (anonymous)
Confirmed Capabilities
🖥
SCCM / Intune / Jamf Pro
✓ Verified — All three, simultaneously
🔒
Endpoint Hardening
✓ Certified — Method unknown
📡
Remote Diagnostics
✓ Active — Even offline devices
📋
Ticket Resolution
✓ 100% close rate, zero escalations out
☕
Coffee Maintenance
✓ Self-sustaining mug system
👻
Presence Management
✓ Advanced — Leave no witnesses
If you are reading this file, you are already on John's radar.
Your ticket will be resolved shortly. Do not look for him.
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